When we’re alone.

Today he was remembered in the silence of the breeze. He passed through without being noticed by anyone but me. I ask him to put an idea in my head. An idea of him. Where do we go when we miss those who aren’t here to speak of it? In my head I’m a wild buck, ready to kick the dirt in the face of those who listen too much to their own bad luck stories. Ready to ride like the wind into the great unknown.

Today I asked him to share with me another story of how life twists into the places we can’t see. He agreed and will be leaving me a note soon, in a dream of course.

I wrote Rachel a letter today. I called her by name, my sweet angel girl. I never got to rock her to sleep or soothe her as she cried. A piece of me will always live in that daydream. I took it apart, willingly. I don’t want that part of me back, the part that is her mother. That is hers to keep. It’s the only thing I have to give her… My undying love. My wishes. My thoughts. A part of my heart will always hold her, will always miss her and will always hunger for her- just to touch her for a moment. It takes me back to a time when I felt like I’d lost it all. My mom had just left my dad and I chose to go with her. I missed my brother so much it hurt. I felt like life would not go on for me, it just wouldn’t be the same. Now I’m missing my brother and a life unlived. The unreckoning will continue. My soul like the bits of gravel in your shoe. It horrifies me to think that someday this won’t be new anymore and there is still no resolution. I realize I will heal more fully, but the truth is I can’t complain. Who do I think I am? I am reminded of the love I hold and see and feel. The touch of my other daughter’s skin on my cheek. The way she wants me to hold her, to rock her and sing to her at night. Will there ever be a time that I will be happy and understand?

To be continued.